Elizabeth’s Journal

A Thought about Marriage

There’s a new columnist on salon.com, and I haven’t yet made up my mind what I think about her yet. She seems to have quite a polarizing effect on many readers so far, based on the reader letters that are sent in; but I have learned to wait a while before drawing any conclusions in situations such as this.

She has a new article up on marriage, and she addresses something that has caused me great curiosity for the entire length of my marriage. I always assumed that when I got married, my husband and I would pool our finances. I’m sure that’s because that how my parents do it—isn’t that always how it works ? But if I recall correctly, Dale did not operate under that assumption—it took a little bit of work to convince him that we should not maintain separate bank accounts. I was surprised how strongly I felt about it when confronted with the possibility that we might not. It seemed too businesslike, too formal—too much like we were planning for the eventuality of divorce, frankly. I felt that marriage was a partnership, and that meant financially as well as emotionally. Anyway, this columnist articulated some of my feelings better than I have ever consciously done:

“In every union roles are assumed, some traditional, some not. My husband used to pay his own bills, I used to call my own repairman. But as marriages progress, you surrender areas of your own competence, often without even knowing it. You do this in part because it’s more efficient for each individual to have his or her own area of expertise, but more as a kind of optimistic gesture. By surrendering certain skills you are affirming your belief that the other person will remain there to care for you in that way.

This kind of capitulation is not without its pitfalls, of course. Every woman who has given over the financial reins only to find herself divorced and penniless knows its dangers. Still, one of the wonderful things about an intimate partnership is the division of life, the parsing out and sharing of responsibility.”

I think that’s very nicely put.