Courtney’s Haven: I'm not sure what it

July 10, 2003

I’m not sure what it

I’m not sure what it is, but the longer I stay at home, the more often I do nothing. Like, for example, yesterday, I did nothing at all, and I was content with it. I ended up reading a book I bought (Chicken Soup for the Christian Teenage Soul), playing the piano, and playing spider solitaire on my lap top. And it’s really a nice feeling…something I haven’t felt like that in a long time. I think I appreciate it more because of camp. You see, at camp, we are busy, busy, busy, and NEVER get a time to be alone…basically. And I think that (since I have to go back on the 19th) I realize this, and as a result, am “saving up my alone/home time”. I don’t know if this makes much, but ehh well…it doesn’t have to. But I have noticed that I have become more in touch with what different things that I like and such. (I’m not saying that I’ve changed, but I’m only saying that I have found new things to do, while still retaining my present interests.) Like, for example, since I have had nothing really to do, late at night, I would just read and write stuff…for the heck of it. Basically poetry. I really like doing it because it is fun. But it’s really weird, whenever I write a poem or something, I don’t really feel that way, but I make it seem like that. (And I do that sounds disbelieving, but ah, it is true)For example, this something that I wrote a couple nights ago at 2 in the morning.

Without You Here

You hear laughter.
You know wonder.
You see happiness.
I feel—-nothing at all.

Life seems so casual
Until a destiny is found
What is it that makes,
This sweet, sad pain go away.

Worse than a grumble,
More horrific than a rape,
There is nothing to fight this horror.
I am nothing—-
Without you here.

Your presence was resilient.
The light you intensified.
It is as if I’m in the dark.
I am cold and have no life.
Without you here.

I long for yur touch and beauty
And need your truth and faith.
MY life has no meaning now.
Why couldn’t it be me instead.

Without you here.

So that is one of the poems that I wrote. YAY. I like it. Remorse is what it typifies that greatest. It makes me proud of myself that I can write like that. I don’t even think people know that I can do that. Like, most people don’t know all of me. That side is something that only I know. Not even my best friends in the world can support that side of me, basically because I haven’t ever shown them that side. But it’s weird…because my different “sides” are almost like black and white. I have an inside part of me, but I also have an outside part of me (i.e. what most people know me as). It’s just kinda weird.

But it doesn’t even bother me at all. I am more content with it. YAY

Well, I have my errands to run to today

Have a wonderful and dancy day.

—-Court—-

Posted by Courtney at July 10, 2003 03:12 PM

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